Tag, you're it

Lauralu just tagged me. Here's what that means:

1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence along with these instructions.
5. Tag five people to do the same.

Here is mine: "They don't even live there, so I have no idea why it flashed into my head, except for general bitterness." I was talking about how hearing the news about my brother and SIL's pregnancy had sort of changed my mind about wanting to move back to Long Island. I wouldn't say I'm bitter any more, but I still am feeling like I want to stay in Boston for now.

OK, who can I tag who hasn't been tagged already? How about Sarah, Mrs. X, Holly, and...shit, I think everyone else I know has already been tagged.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes! It's actually tomorrow. I'll be 29.

It hasn't been a bad birthday, so far, all things considered. I'll sure be glad to see the last of this year, though. Last year on my birthday, we'd just found out two weeks before that I was pregnant with Joseph, and Mr. NK brought me a tiny yellow sleeper from Old Navy as part of my present.

Almost all the clothes people gave me for Joseph are still in my closet because I don't know exactly what to do with them. Because he never wore them, they're not hard for me to look it. If we had another boy, I wouldn't feel weird using them. But that little yellow sleeper - that was different. It lives in Joseph's memory box now.

It's also occurred to me that if this pregnancy sticks, my due date will be only about a week after my due date with Joseph. And since I'll probably have a c-section a week or two ahead of the due date, this baby's birthday might be very close to the day Joseph was born.

That doesn't actually freak me out as much as I thought it might. (I would definitely not schedule it for May 26 - Joseph's birthday - though.) But I wonder if it would/will freak other people out.

I must be imagining this

Last night Mr. NK gave me a "surprise" birthday party at Maggiano's. (I say "surprise" because he had to spill the beans. Originally he and two of our friends had planned a party at the Limelight, a local rent-a-private-karaoke-room place. I've wanted to do that since I saw Lost in Translation. But after we found out I was pregnant, he decided that without alcohol, karaoke would be a bad idea. Good man. The venue got changed at the last minute.)

Anyway, my first thought upon waking this morning was "ugh...I shouldn't have had so much to drink." Then I remembered I was pregnant and I hadn't had anything to drink. Helloooo, morning sickness!

Isn't it too early for this? Even though I'm 4w6d, I'm only 17 DPO! But sure enough, the same hair-trigger-gag-reflex thing I had going on in my first pregnancy appears to be back. Last year I never actually threw up; I just kept gagging from out of nowhere, for no reason. Same thing this morning.

I guess that's a good sign, though, right?

It's going to be a long nine months.

(I hope.)

So I must really be pregnant - the awful, painful gas I remember from last time has set in. Not the kind that makes one unpleasant to be around, but the kind that gets trapped in your abdomen and causes painful cramp-like feelings.

You can see where I'm going with this. I keep panicking that I'm having cramps and then realizing what is actually going on. Last night I had some kind of gas bubble on the left side, and even though it was up high under my ribs, I kept thinking, "Oh no - pain on one side is an ectopic pregnancy symptom!" Then I'd burp or something and the pain would go away.

I'm laughing at myself now, but really, how am I going to get through this? I've heard people who've had miscarriages say that they let themselves relax more once they get past the point where their first pregnancy ended. But since Joseph died at 39.5 weeks, after a normal labor and delivery no less, that time isn't going to come for me until the very end.

Breathe

Second beta: 188 on 14 DPO!! So it more than doubled in about 68 hours. The nurse said it looks good. She said I can have an ultrasound just to confirm that it's in the uterus once the beta reaches 3,000, so I have to go back a week from today to check the levels.

So can I breathe now?

Quant #1: 69.

Apparently that is an excellent number for 11 DPO. I had the second draw just now and the nurse told me I could call back around 3:30 or 4 for the result.

I am feeling much better just having that done, even not knowing the second number yet.

I have some random thoughts about the interactivity of blogs vs. regular journals, but not enough time now. But I do want to say thank you so much to everyone reading this for the good wishes.

Going crazy

I'm hanging in there. No red blood since a very small amount on Saturday. Since then, nothing but brown spotting that was in steadily decreasing amounts - none at all when I woke up this morning.

Then I got to work and there was more brown than I'd had in a few days. But it's still not on the pad, it's only when I use the bathroom that I see it. (I'm sorry, TMI.) I have no pain.

I took the third First Response in the box this morning at 14 DPO (yes, I am a freak, why do you ask?) and it's darker still than the last one. So each one has gotten darker than the one before it. Doesn't that mean that the HCG is going up? So maybe not a miscarriage, but that doesn't rule out an ectopic.

The nurse who took my blood on Friday said to call by 9:30 AM if I hadn't heard anything yet. The results of the first draw won't tell me anything, but I'll go back sometime today for the second one.

I don't really believe in God, but I'm coming as close as I ever get to praying that this either sticks or is just a very early loss. Please don't let it be ectopic.

I woke up at 2

Paging Dr. Google

I can't stop worrying that I'm having an ectopic pregnancy. I didn't bleed all night, a little bit of red this morning, a tiny bit more in early afternoon, but other than that just some faint brown spotting. This is less bleeding than I've had so far. No pain. But I can't stop reading about all the bad things this could be.

I took another First Response this morning and the line was much darker. I won't know the quant results until Monday, and they'll do another that day. Even then it won't be 100% clear until I can have an ultrasound and that might not be for at least another week.

I'd rather not have been pregnant at all this month than go through this. At this point I'd almost be relieved if it turns out it's "just" a miscarriage.

update

I called the nurse at my OB's office because otherwise I would have just worried for the next few days. She didn't seem all that fazed by the blood. I'm going in at 4 today for a quantitative hCG test, and they'll repeat it on Monday to see if it's going up enough.

Holy shit.

I'm not getting my hopes up. I don't know what to think. I had hoped we'd get pregnant again relatively soon, but. Wow.

At least if this one doesn't stick I know that we are apparently overachievers fertility-wise.

Feel free to tell me I'm delusional

I am really confused.

On Wednesday morning my temp dropped way down and I started bleeding. So, my period, right? It wasn't that heavy, but it was red blood. Then yesterday, on what I thought was CD 2, my temp went sky high - from 96.81 to 98.34. I took it about 75 minutes later than usual, though, and I'd had a few glasses of wine, so I figured it was a fluke.

Then yesterday I noticed that the bleeding had gotten much lighter, instead of heavy like it usually does, and that my nipples had started to hurt, which isnt usually a period symptom for me, but which did happen before I tested positive with Joseph. I still didn't think that much of it, until this morning - my temp was still up. I took it at the usual time and had no wine last night and it was lower than yesterday (97.71), but still higher than my highest temp before the bleeding started, and well above the coverline.

So just out of curiosity, I took one of the cheapy pregnancy tests I got with my OPKs. And there's a line...I think? It's really faint. I've never used these tests before so I don't know if they give evaporation lines, but whatever this is came up within the time limit.

It's only been 11 days since I ovulated. Oh, and the bleeding is still lighter today - there's still occasional red when I wipe, but nothing on the pad all night.

This has got to be some kind of chemical pregnancy, right? If that was even a line at all? With Joseph I used a First Response test, so I know what a real line looks like on one of those. Should I try one when I get to work? Should I wait a few days and see what happens? Should I call the doctor?

Whatever's going on, I don't have a good feeling about it. Red blood = bad.

Edit: It's 9 AM. I just took a First Response. The second line came up immediately. No mistake.

But this has to be chemical, right?

Day One

I got my period today. My luteal phase was only 8 days so it doesn't matter how good our timing was, that's just not long enough to sustain any pregnancy that might have happened.

Last month it was 7 days. I'm really hoping I don't have a big problem with this. I've been trying to find information about short luteal phase postpartum, but everything I've found only mentions that it happens while breastfeeding. Well, I'm not breastfeeding, dammit.

I don't even care so much that I'm not pregnant this month because I knew we couldn't be so lucky as to have it happen on the first try again. But I do care about this luteal phase thing. I know I sound silly and selfish when some people have problems getting pregnant at all and I got pregnant easily and had an easy pregnancy. But I'm not supposed to be worrying about this right now. I'm supposed to have a four-month-old. I'm supposed to be tired because he kept me up last night. I'm supposed to be adjusting to being back at work for about a month.

Part of me had also sort of hoped I'd be pregnant this cycle because next weekend I have to be at a family event with a) my pregnant sister-in-law, b) my pregnant cousin, and c) my stepbrother and his fiancee and their newborn. I wouldn't have told anyone if I was pregnant, but being able to think about it would have gotten me through it.

and you know what else...

I hate the idea that my family sees me now as someone from whom news has to be kept, or to whom news has to be broken gently.

"You'll be pregnant before you know it"

If one more well-meaning but clueless person says this to me, I'm going to kick them.

My dad called me last night to tell me that my favorite cousin, V., is pregnant with her second. It doesn't make me as sad as the news about my brother and SIL did, but before I could even say anything my dad launched into this whole big lecture about how he knows it's hard, and it was hard for him too, and we're a family, and life goes on, and blah blah blah. And then he was gushing about how V.'s baby and my brother's will be so close in age (they also live in the same town), and then he said quickly, "Oh, and yours will be, too. You'll be pregnant before you know it!"

I don't know why it absolutely enrages me to hear that, but it does. my mom said it about a billion times when I talked to her about my brother's news ("But, why are you upset? You and she will be pregnant at the same time! You'll be pregnant before you know it!")

I don't want to take it for granted like that. It will be hard if we have trouble getting pregnant after losing Joseph. Having my SIL be pregnant would make it that much harder. Expecting to get pregnant just like that is going to make it even harder if it doesn't happen, so I'd really prefer to not think that way. Look where taking things for granted got me, anyway.

Don't mind me, I just really want to hide from my entire family right now.

P.S.

My chart has the potential to look really, really good this month. Keep your fingers crossed for me! (I am really figuring we can't possibly be lucky enough to conceive on the first try twice in a row. Then again, maybe the universe owes me a little luck.)

Flip. Flop.

We are so predictable. I don't think we're going to move after all, at least not right now.

I don't exactly know why. When I first heard the news about my sister-in-law's pregnancy, my first thought was that I didn't want to go to Long Island. They don't even live there, so I have no idea why it flashed into my head, except for general bitterness. But over the next few days, even after I felt better, I found that I couldn't really remember why I wanted to be there so badly after all. I thought about staying in Boston, at least long enough to have another baby, and felt a huge sense of relief. Strangely enough, Mr. NK confessed that he felt the same way.

I feel bad, because we went as far as to tell our parents and friends about our plans. My parents were thrilled. Mr. NK even sent his resume to my dad, who knows some people in his field. Now when my parents mention it I just get all vague, because I don't know what to say.

We haven't ruled out moving someday - we've always sort of known we didn't want to stay in Boston forever. But we realized, I guess, that right now trying to have a baby is our first priority. When I think about not having to worry about whether or not to look for a new job, and what if I'm job hunting while pregnant, will I have maternity leave, blah blah blah - relief.

Another thing that makes me feel good about staying here for now happened on Saturday night. We went to a birthday party for J., who used to work with Mr. NK. They'd worked together since before I met Mr. NK, but for some reason they only started becoming friendly outside of work about a year ago. I met J. and his wife S. right around the beginning of my pregnancy, and I was struck by how kind they were - the first time I met S., she had just had her first child, and she loaded me down with pregnancy books, morning sickness remedies, and even extra baby gear. In the nine months that followed we saw them more and more often - their son, who just turned 1, is a complete propaganda baby. S. is the kind of woman who intimidated me at first because she's incredibly smart and together - but she's also funny and down-to-earth.

Anyway, when we were pretty sure we were going to move, Mr. NK had mentioned that to J., and he was disappointed. The night of the party, I was talking to S. about a belly dance class she and I were planning to take (which started last night, by the way, and was incredibly fun). She said, "So...you think you'll be here for at least 7 weeks, then?"

I told her that we were planning to stay more or less indefinitely, and she actually started to cry. She pulled me out of the party into the kitchen and told me how glad she was that we weren't leaving. That she was so happy to have become closer to us. That Mr. NK and I were role models for her and J., partly because of how strong we were after Joseph's death.

(You see, J. and S.'s son aspirated meconium when he was born - a similar scenario to what happened with Joseph. Their son came so close to not making it - he was airlifted to a larger hospital and kept alive in the NICU with machines for almost two weeks before he could come home. I think J. and S. look at us and think of how easily it could have been them.)

S. told me that any baby Mr. NK and I have is going to be incredibly special, and she even offered to be a surrogate for us if we ever needed it. (I really hope we won't, and can't imagine that we will, but wow.) I knew that she and I were becoming friends, but I was so surprised to hear the things she said about us. What does it say about me that I can't believe it when people say such nice things?

Sometimes it's easy to forget how wonderful people can be.

OB appointment

I had an appointment with Dr. S. today. I thought it was going to be a post-partum physical exam, but I guess he just wanted to see how I was doing.

He asked if we were trying this month. I told him I'd gotten AF on August 26 and that we thought we'd try this month, but that I didn't think I'd ovulated yet. He told me not to keep track of anything, just for us to have sex whenever we feel like it, and as long as we feel like it at least 2-3 times a week, we couldn't miss ovulation.

Easy for him to say. Maybe I'm a giant control freak (OK, yes, I am) but I kind of feel like this isn't the time for just lackadaisically having sex whenever and figuring it would happen eventually. Maybe if we had never had a baby and we didn't really care how long it took to happen. Plus, even without charting or using OPKs or anything like that, there are pretty unmistakeable signs that it's the right time, and once you know them, you can't un-know them. (Plus, well, I can't believe I'm admitting this, but left to our own devices, we probably only feel like it 2-3 times a MONTH. We're lame.)

Maybe I'm a good person after all

So last night went OK. Much better than I expected. My SIL was running late and then got lost, so it was nearly 11 p.m. by the time she arrived. We all talked for a few minutes and no one brought up her pregnancy. It wasn't as awkward as I was afraid it would be (although I'm sure the wine helped). The thing I'd somehow forgotten is how much I like her. I've known her for five years and we've always gotten along.

This morning she and I were both up early to get out of the house, so I made her some toast for breakfast. I asked her if she had morning sickness and we talked about that for a minute, but I could tell she wasn't sure how much to say about it. So finally, I told her, "Listen...this is not an easy thing for me to talk about right now, but I want you to know that I love you."

She gave me a hug. I think we were both relieved.

I feel a lot better today.

W(h)ine

I'm on my second glass. Pregnant SIL is due here in an hour or so.

I don't drink much, but I think this is the only way I'm going to get through this.

Did I forget to mention that on Friday, my SIL called and asked if she could stay with us on Tuesday night? She travels sometimes for work and will be up here for a job on Wednesday. I think her company does pay for lodging, but she's stayed with us before.

So of course I said yes, but then they called on Sunday and hit us with this. So not only was my weekend ruined, now I'm absolutely dreading seeing her. I'm not ready. Plus, WTF, she couldn't wait two more days and tell me in person? This news was going to suck any way it happened, but it would have been so much better to wait and tell me when she got here.

I really want to ask her to please get a hotel this time, but I'm afraid to. But I'm afraid to see her, too. I can't be happy for her yet. I can't talk about it yet. I can't.

I'm also having second thoughts about this move. I don't know how it got mixed up in my brain with this, but it was the first thought that went through my head when my brother told me. My brother and SIL don't even live on Long Island. But for some reason I just have this urge to avoid my entire family. I don't know why.

I wish Mr NK's family didn't live in West Virginia. He has the kind of big, close-knit, fun, loving family that most people only dream about. There are eight cousins on his dad's side and they're all close to the same age - it's like having a lot of extra brothers-in-law, they're that close. But I just can't see us moving to West Virginia.

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach

My brother called me yesterday. From his car, on his way home from vacation, to tell me that his wife is 11 weeks pregnant.

Nice chickenshit move there, bro. I guess they didn't want to deal with telling me in person, like grownups.

That also means that they practically ran right out from my hospital room and got knocked up. I don't think they were trying prior to that - they just got married not even a year ago, and they only closed on their house a month ago. I guess there's nothing like a dead baby to get everyone in the procreating spirit!

I know I sound like the world's most horrible person. I can't help it. I would never say these things to anyone ever. But I can't help that I'm thinking them. This was the ONE THING I was dreading - I had a sixth sense this was going to happen, and it was the ONE THING I wanted to avoid.

It's going to be an incredibly shitty year.