Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Flip. Flop.

We are so predictable. I don't think we're going to move after all, at least not right now.

I don't exactly know why. When I first heard the news about my sister-in-law's pregnancy, my first thought was that I didn't want to go to Long Island. They don't even live there, so I have no idea why it flashed into my head, except for general bitterness. But over the next few days, even after I felt better, I found that I couldn't really remember why I wanted to be there so badly after all. I thought about staying in Boston, at least long enough to have another baby, and felt a huge sense of relief. Strangely enough, Mr. NK confessed that he felt the same way.

I feel bad, because we went as far as to tell our parents and friends about our plans. My parents were thrilled. Mr. NK even sent his resume to my dad, who knows some people in his field. Now when my parents mention it I just get all vague, because I don't know what to say.

We haven't ruled out moving someday - we've always sort of known we didn't want to stay in Boston forever. But we realized, I guess, that right now trying to have a baby is our first priority. When I think about not having to worry about whether or not to look for a new job, and what if I'm job hunting while pregnant, will I have maternity leave, blah blah blah - relief.

Another thing that makes me feel good about staying here for now happened on Saturday night. We went to a birthday party for J., who used to work with Mr. NK. They'd worked together since before I met Mr. NK, but for some reason they only started becoming friendly outside of work about a year ago. I met J. and his wife S. right around the beginning of my pregnancy, and I was struck by how kind they were - the first time I met S., she had just had her first child, and she loaded me down with pregnancy books, morning sickness remedies, and even extra baby gear. In the nine months that followed we saw them more and more often - their son, who just turned 1, is a complete propaganda baby. S. is the kind of woman who intimidated me at first because she's incredibly smart and together - but she's also funny and down-to-earth.

Anyway, when we were pretty sure we were going to move, Mr. NK had mentioned that to J., and he was disappointed. The night of the party, I was talking to S. about a belly dance class she and I were planning to take (which started last night, by the way, and was incredibly fun). She said, "So...you think you'll be here for at least 7 weeks, then?"

I told her that we were planning to stay more or less indefinitely, and she actually started to cry. She pulled me out of the party into the kitchen and told me how glad she was that we weren't leaving. That she was so happy to have become closer to us. That Mr. NK and I were role models for her and J., partly because of how strong we were after Joseph's death.

(You see, J. and S.'s son aspirated meconium when he was born - a similar scenario to what happened with Joseph. Their son came so close to not making it - he was airlifted to a larger hospital and kept alive in the NICU with machines for almost two weeks before he could come home. I think J. and S. look at us and think of how easily it could have been them.)

S. told me that any baby Mr. NK and I have is going to be incredibly special, and she even offered to be a surrogate for us if we ever needed it. (I really hope we won't, and can't imagine that we will, but wow.) I knew that she and I were becoming friends, but I was so surprised to hear the things she said about us. What does it say about me that I can't believe it when people say such nice things?

Sometimes it's easy to forget how wonderful people can be.


At Tuesday, September 13, 2005 7:01:00 PM, Blogger Mrs.X said...

I think it's amazing that out of something so tragic, you can give people strength. No matter what you decide, or where you guys end up, you've got friends who will always be here. ((nk))

At Wednesday, September 14, 2005 10:33:00 AM, Blogger Sarah said...

I’m glad you’ve made a decision you feel good about. And glad you found a good friend! Finding someone who you really feel connected to is so rare and special. And good luck on the ttc!!


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