Proof that I invent things to worry about

This is a comment Mr. NK often makes about me. I used to deny it, but you know what, I think he's right.

I mentioned that I'm ovulating about now. Got a positive OPK today. We are, uh, trying not to leave things to chance on the timing. If I don't get pregnant this month, it won't be because we timed it wrong.

Anyway, it occurred to me that I'll be ovulating about Day 24-25, almost two weeks later than the 'average' Day 14. The chemical pregnancy threw things off by about a week to ten days. Anyway - if I DID get pregnant, would this be a problem? My "LMP" is October 6, but if, say, I had an ultrasound at 6 weeks "LMP," it would show almost nothing, because I'll really only be two weeks past conception, not 4. How do doctors handle this? I don't want to be told that a pregnancy is not viable if it really is. Plus, since my next baby will be delivered by C-section a week or two early, it would be bad for my dates to be off by two weeks.

Of course I would tell the doctor I was charting and using OPKs, but I've heard many anecdotes about doctors blowing off the idea of charting. (Dr. S sure did.) I'm wondering if, were I to get pregnant this month, or any month that I ovulate significantly later than the norm, would it be a better idea to be vague about my last period, and throw out a date that would line up better with the conception date?

Like I said...inventing things to worry about. I ought to concentrate on actually getting pregnant first.

Not dead...

I'm just poking my head back into Blogland for a second to say that I am still alive. I'm just totally swamped. Tomorrow is my boss' last day, and she's been inundating me with stuff.

This new job requires a LOT of organization, a lot of remembering dates, a lot of keeping on top of projects. I don't know how I'm going to do it. When I start to panic, though, I remember that I felt exactly like this about the job I'm in now, the one I'm moving up from, when I first started 2.5 years ago. It took a few months before I knew what was going on, but once I did, it was easy.

No word yet on when this promotion (and hopefully pay raise - there had better be one if they're expecting me to keep track of all this stuff) will be official. The "big boss" comes back from traveling tomorrow so I will hopefully hear soon.

In other news, I am finally about to ovulate for the first time since the chemical pregancy, so in the absense of anyone telling us we can't, we're going for it. Wish me luck.

I also have an appointment with a maternal-fetal medicine specialist at Massachusetts General on Nov. 15. If I get pregnant this cycle, I'll be finding out about it right about then, so that's good timing. I spoke with a friend of mine who went to this doctor's practice - although this doctor wasn't her regular OB, my friend met with her a few times after they discovered a soft marker for Down's on her ultrasound, and told me that she was absolutely wonderful - patient, willing to explain things, and willing to hand-hold nervous pregnant women. Exactly what I'm looking for. (Oh, and my friend's baby turned out to be just fine.)

That's all for now - will try to update soon.

An assignment I hope I don't flunk

My therapist gave me a homework assignment last night - for Mr. NK and I to take a vacation together. Don't you wish all homework was like this?

It's actually not going to be as easy as it sounds. We haven't been on a real vacation together since our honeymoon three years ago. We have talked about it many, many times. The problem is that Mr. NK hates to plan - hates it. And I don't mind planning, but I'm horrible at it. I get freaked out about the money and start looking at cheaper things to the point where any actual fun is so watered down that it doesn't seem worth it. We have money put away, but we get so nervous about spending it. We need to lighten up.

I'm thinking about Hawaii, because we've both always wanted to go. We're not lie-on-the-beach people, so we need a place where we can do that but also do other stuff, and Mr. NK is fascinated by volcanoes. But I don't know.

If I'm going to pass this assignment, I think I need a travel agent!

I love this. Yes, I know I'm weird.

One of my favorite web sites finally updated:

Cat Town

So bizarre, and yet so funny.

Holy crap, I just got promoted.

Well that certainly throws a new wrinkle into the job situation.

I work for the admissions office of a large university - I write and edit promotional/recruitment materials like viewbooks and brochures, and also some letters and emails to prospective students. The publications team is a small part of the larger admissions office, and it's split between writers who do what I do (there are two of us) and people who work on the slightly more technical/marketing side of things (such as figuring out who to send e-mails to, getting names from PSAT mailing lists, etc.) We have one boss, whom I really like, but she's leaving in two weeks to move cross country with her family.

Today my boss' boss, the director of admissions, pulled me into a meeting. It turns out that my boss has always felt that her job is really two jobs - half publications-related and half technical/marketing, and she's always felt that she can't devote enough time to either one. So the director wants to split it into two jobs, both at the level/pay grade my boss is currently at. And she wants ME to be in charge of publications. WOW.

This would be a big step, both in terms of pay and responsibility. Right now, I do about 95% writing and editing and 5% project management. In the new position, I'd still be writing (something my boss didn't really get to do); plus I'd be editing the work of the other writer, who will now report to me; plus I'd be the liaison with the Office of Creative Services, which designs our pieces; plus I'd be in charge of the budget. Most importantly, I'd be in charge of the overall publications strategy for the Admissions Office.

I'm kind of freaked out. I've never had anyone report to me before, and now I'll be managing two people. I haven't done a lot of strategy work, and I have a phobia of numbers so I've never done the budget. But at the same time, this seems like it could be the fresh start and the new challenge I need. (And the money doesn't hurt either.)

I need to go process this.

Happy Anniversary to us

Today is our third wedding anniversary. It's gone so fast, but then when I think back, we've done so much - bought a house, had a baby, survived a loss. I hope this next year brings us better things than the last one.

On a lighter note, the weather is terrible - cold, rainy, and windy - exactly like it was three years ago today. And exactly like it was two years ago today. And exactly like it was one year ago today. Last year my best friend turned to me and asked, "Is it going to rain EVERY October 12 from now on?"

I wanted to get married in October because it's my favorite month. I love the red and yellow leaves, the crisp weather...basically all the stuff we didn't get on our wedding day! But it's funny, when I woke up that day and it was still raining (not really a surprise, since it had already been pouring for two days by then), I didn't care. The storm even damaged the church's organ, a fact I learned as I was standing in the vestibule waiting to walk down the aisle, and I still didn't care. (The organist had a giant Peavy keyboard with an organ patch as a backup. Honestly, I was so happy that they could have just not told me what was going on, and I probably wouldn't have noticed.)

All day people kept coming up to me and saying, "Oh, I'm sorry...." meaning the weather, I guess. I kept looking at them blankly and saying, "Sorry for what?" I honestly didn't know.

Happy Anniversary, Mr. NK!

I'm breaking up with my doctor

The bleeding appears to be over. It wasn't any worse than a period...not even a particularly bad period. I don't think things got far enough for there to be any, well, tissue or anything.

I decided that I'm not going to go back to Dr. S. At first when we lost Joseph, I was insistent that if/when we had another baby, that I had to go back to him, and that I had to give birth in the same hospital. But over the months, that feeling has faded a lot. I don't think Dr. S. did anything wrong, and I don't think anyone else at the hospital did either. I just don't feel a need to go back.

I never actually chose Dr. S. When I was pregnant, I saw all the doctors in the practice on a rotating basis because I didn't know who would be on call when I went into labor. Of all the doctors I saw, I think Dr. S. was actually my least favorite. He's very brusque and I never felt like I could ask him questions - and as a first-time pregnant woman, I had lots of them. So I was a little bit disappointed when I was in the labor room and he walked in. He's been good to us over the last few months, but I still can't ask him questions. He just shrugs and brushes them off. If I get pregnant for real again, I'm going to need quite a bit of hand-holding, and he's not the person to give it to me.

A few days after I got this last positive test, I made an appointment at a large teaching hospital downtown for a consultation with a high-risk OB. Based on my history they were going to see me right away. I canceled the appointment when it became apparent this was a chemical pregnancy, but my name's in their database now, so I'll make another appointment when the time comes. The practice was recommended to me by a friend, and I think I'll feel safer knowing that I'm in one of the best hospitals in the country - although I pray that I won't need their ECMO machines or NICU.

I'm also thinking that maybe, since this pregnancy/miscarriage was such a non-event, that we might try right away. I'll have to see how I feel about that. I don't want to do anything stupid, but I've done a lot of research on this, and there's no consensus - plenty of doctors seem to tell patients to treat a chemical pregnancy like a late period. If I hadn't been trying, I probably would have just chalked up the long cycle and spotting to postpartum weirdness.

I applied for two jobs this weekend. My job situation is starting to feel intolerable, and my therapist thought it would be good for me - even if it ends up not being feasible to take a new job, she thinks that just applying might make me feel less stuck. So we'll see what happens with that.

I had a long talk with Mr. NK this weekend about feeling like I'm in limbo. I didn't realize it, but he feels the same way. He told me that he feels like his whole adult life has just been preparation for being a father, and when I was pregnant, he felt like he'd finally tied up all the loose ends of his old life, to be ready to put it away and start a new one. Now, he's left without that new life that he prepared for, but he's not interested in his old life, either, because he'd thought it was at an end. "I'm not interested in myself anymore," he said. I knew what he meant - I don't like to use the word 'selfish' because it sounds pejorative, but I think we're both done with living for ourselves, if that makes sense. He really summed up the way I'd been feeling, when I was unable to put it into words.

Pictures of You

Shamelessly jumping on the bandwagon:

I was born in:


I now live in:

My online name:


My grandmother's name:

Favorite food:


Favorite drink:

Favorite song:

Favorite smell:

I'll prove to the crowd that I'll come out stronger/ (Though I think I might lie here a little longer...)

God, I'm so melodramatic. I'm sorry. I do feel better today. Starting to see that therapist was a good thing - I went and blubbered in her office for an hour, and she gave me permission to do whatever I want even if that means lying in bed crying all weekend, and even though I don't think it will, it's nice to have permission, as it were.

I am also bleeding today, and that's strangely relieving as well. I'm glad for the whole thing to just be over with. The next time I get pregnant, I want it to start out with no blood or drama or anxiety (OK, I ask for too much, there, but two out of three ain't bad).

I don't know what I really will do this weekend. Andy has a three-day master class with his bass teacher, which I insist on calling "band camp" to his great chagrin, so I'll be on my own. My mom offered to come up, but I don't think I really want her to. I love her, but I don't think that's what I need this weekend. Maybe I'll just curl up with some good books, and get some takeout sushi and wine. And I'm hoping to get tickets to see these guys on Monday. Their latest album has been in heavy rotation at our house since July (and my favorite song from it gave me the title to this entry).

Thanks for everyone's kind words. Things look a little brighter today.

Going down

Beta #4: 29. I'm relieved, because I had a horrific rush of nausea this morning and it made me worry that the levels had crept back up, which would indicate a possibility of ectopic pregnancy.

I have to go back next week to see if it's at 0 and when it is I'll see my doctor. The nurse said that Dr. S. usually recommends waiting three normal cycles after a miscarriage, but this early? I don't think he'll tell me that when I see him. He knew we were starting to try this soon after Joseph, so I can't imagine he would make me wait the same amount of time after a 5-week miscarriage as after a full-term baby.

Right? I can't wait that long. That would mean January or February before we could even start to try.

Maybe I could wait that long if I felt like I had something to look forward to. But I don't. It just means 3-4 more months in the same boring job (well, actually it would mean more than a year in the same boring job, since I wouldn't leave after I got pregnant), 3-4 more months of listening to my mother chirp, "At least you know you can get pregnant quickly! This too shall pass! Good things are coming!," 3-4 more months of Mr. NK not wanting to go on vacation, 3-4 more months of watching my SIL's belly grow.

Shit. I think I almost feel worse now than I did in May. How can that be? Last time I lost an actual baby, a baby that had spent 9 months as part of me, that I'd felt moving, that I'd waited and dreamed and planned for.

This time, all I've lost is hope.

Stuck

So now I guess I'm just waiting. I don't even know what to expect. Will I bleed more? If so, when? I have another beta tomorrow to see if the levels are going down, but right now I feel the same as I did yesterday. No bleeding, no nothing.

I feel so stuck. It occurred to me today that ever since we lost Joseph, everything in my life has hinged on trying again. Even stupid decisions like "Should I buy a new winter coat?" Last year I needed one, but I didn't buy one because I was big and pregnant, so I just wore my parka (which I usually just wear for hiking/outdoor activities). Now I was hesitant to buy one for this year, because I thought I might be big again this winter. Although that decision's been made for me - even if I conceive the next time we try again, that won't be until at least November or December sometime, so I wouldn't be showing anytime this winter. But you see what I mean.

I'm also really bored with my job. I make good money, and actually just got a raise, but I've been here 2.5 years and I could do it with my eyes closed. It doesn't excite me anymore, and there's really nowhere to move up within this office. But I keep thinking, should I look for a new job now when I'm going to be actively TTC again soon? Mr. NK thinks I should stay put, since this office knows what I've been through and would be tolerant of having to be at a lot of appointments, etc. But again, I feel so stuck. If I stayed here for that reason, I could go through something like this again and again and realize that I had no reason to stay. But if I left and then somehow everything worked out, I'd be putting my new employers in a bad spot. How many employers would understand their brand-new employee running off to multiple doctor's appointments, then wanting maternity leave after not being there very long, etc?

I hate not knowing what's going to happen. If I did, I feel like I could plan things better.

I've heard people say that they felt better when they stopped basing everything on whether/when they would be able to have another baby, but I don't know if I can do that. I won't be completely happy until I have a baby in my arms - it's not one of those things I can take or leave. But I don't know if that's a healthy way to feel.

I started going to a therapist last week, and I really like her, so I guess this is something to bring up with her.

Spooky

I don't know if I ever wrote about this here, but a few nights before I went into labor with Joseph, I had a nightmare. I dreamed that we had had our baby and that he had died shortly after birth.

A few months later, we were on our way to a family function and out of nowhere, I turned to Mr. NK and said, "C. [my SIL] is pregnant and they're afraid to tell us." No one had said or done anything to give me that impression, I just knew. It turned out later that she had had a positive pregnancy test only a week before that day. They didn't tell us about her pregnancy until about six weeks after that.

And finally, for several months, even before I got my first period after the birth, I've been convinced that the first time we managed to conceive again, I would miscarry. I even remember thinking that I wished my period would hurry up and come so we could get that first miscarriage over with and keep trying.

This is starting to scare me.

Not good.

I'd had a sense of foreboding about this all day. I went in for a third beta this morning. I just called for the results.

62.

So much for that. I'm glad it didn't get any further along.

At least that ClearBlue Fertility Monitor I bought from eBay a few days before I found out I was pregnant won't go to waste.

I don't know what to title this post.

I've been so sad since I heard the terrible news that Lauralu and Justin had lost their Tadpole. Life isn't fair, is it? I know the universe doesn't work this way, but it's inconceivable to me that anyone should have to go through this after enduring the loss of a full-term child.

If Mr. NK could read this blog, he would tell me that there's no such thing as fair or unfair in life - there's just life. I know that's true, but it's a hard reality to grasp.

I'm sorry, Laura and Justin. You and the Tadpole are in my thoughts.