Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Going down

Beta #4: 29. I'm relieved, because I had a horrific rush of nausea this morning and it made me worry that the levels had crept back up, which would indicate a possibility of ectopic pregnancy.

I have to go back next week to see if it's at 0 and when it is I'll see my doctor. The nurse said that Dr. S. usually recommends waiting three normal cycles after a miscarriage, but this early? I don't think he'll tell me that when I see him. He knew we were starting to try this soon after Joseph, so I can't imagine he would make me wait the same amount of time after a 5-week miscarriage as after a full-term baby.

Right? I can't wait that long. That would mean January or February before we could even start to try.

Maybe I could wait that long if I felt like I had something to look forward to. But I don't. It just means 3-4 more months in the same boring job (well, actually it would mean more than a year in the same boring job, since I wouldn't leave after I got pregnant), 3-4 more months of listening to my mother chirp, "At least you know you can get pregnant quickly! This too shall pass! Good things are coming!," 3-4 more months of Mr. NK not wanting to go on vacation, 3-4 more months of watching my SIL's belly grow.

Shit. I think I almost feel worse now than I did in May. How can that be? Last time I lost an actual baby, a baby that had spent 9 months as part of me, that I'd felt moving, that I'd waited and dreamed and planned for.

This time, all I've lost is hope.


At Wednesday, October 05, 2005 5:42:00 PM, Blogger gabesmama said...

I know if feels that way now. But I think once you do get past this horrible time, and get one period you will find that your hope will reappear. I'm sure you want to miscarry already! I'll bet you only have to wait a cycle.

At Thursday, October 06, 2005 12:24:00 AM, Blogger lauralu said...

i know. the loss of hope sucks. i hope that your dr sees you soon and gives you an even sooner date on which to start planning.

At Thursday, October 06, 2005 11:24:00 AM, Blogger cat said...

Sending you support, hugs and wishing you some quiet space to mourn and heal.

You have my deepest sympathy, my thoughts will be with you.


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