Going down

Beta #4: 29. I'm relieved, because I had a horrific rush of nausea this morning and it made me worry that the levels had crept back up, which would indicate a possibility of ectopic pregnancy.

I have to go back next week to see if it's at 0 and when it is I'll see my doctor. The nurse said that Dr. S. usually recommends waiting three normal cycles after a miscarriage, but this early? I don't think he'll tell me that when I see him. He knew we were starting to try this soon after Joseph, so I can't imagine he would make me wait the same amount of time after a 5-week miscarriage as after a full-term baby.

Right? I can't wait that long. That would mean January or February before we could even start to try.

Maybe I could wait that long if I felt like I had something to look forward to. But I don't. It just means 3-4 more months in the same boring job (well, actually it would mean more than a year in the same boring job, since I wouldn't leave after I got pregnant), 3-4 more months of listening to my mother chirp, "At least you know you can get pregnant quickly! This too shall pass! Good things are coming!," 3-4 more months of Mr. NK not wanting to go on vacation, 3-4 more months of watching my SIL's belly grow.

Shit. I think I almost feel worse now than I did in May. How can that be? Last time I lost an actual baby, a baby that had spent 9 months as part of me, that I'd felt moving, that I'd waited and dreamed and planned for.

This time, all I've lost is hope.