I'm breaking up with my doctor

The bleeding appears to be over. It wasn't any worse than a period...not even a particularly bad period. I don't think things got far enough for there to be any, well, tissue or anything.

I decided that I'm not going to go back to Dr. S. At first when we lost Joseph, I was insistent that if/when we had another baby, that I had to go back to him, and that I had to give birth in the same hospital. But over the months, that feeling has faded a lot. I don't think Dr. S. did anything wrong, and I don't think anyone else at the hospital did either. I just don't feel a need to go back.

I never actually chose Dr. S. When I was pregnant, I saw all the doctors in the practice on a rotating basis because I didn't know who would be on call when I went into labor. Of all the doctors I saw, I think Dr. S. was actually my least favorite. He's very brusque and I never felt like I could ask him questions - and as a first-time pregnant woman, I had lots of them. So I was a little bit disappointed when I was in the labor room and he walked in. He's been good to us over the last few months, but I still can't ask him questions. He just shrugs and brushes them off. If I get pregnant for real again, I'm going to need quite a bit of hand-holding, and he's not the person to give it to me.

A few days after I got this last positive test, I made an appointment at a large teaching hospital downtown for a consultation with a high-risk OB. Based on my history they were going to see me right away. I canceled the appointment when it became apparent this was a chemical pregnancy, but my name's in their database now, so I'll make another appointment when the time comes. The practice was recommended to me by a friend, and I think I'll feel safer knowing that I'm in one of the best hospitals in the country - although I pray that I won't need their ECMO machines or NICU.

I'm also thinking that maybe, since this pregnancy/miscarriage was such a non-event, that we might try right away. I'll have to see how I feel about that. I don't want to do anything stupid, but I've done a lot of research on this, and there's no consensus - plenty of doctors seem to tell patients to treat a chemical pregnancy like a late period. If I hadn't been trying, I probably would have just chalked up the long cycle and spotting to postpartum weirdness.

I applied for two jobs this weekend. My job situation is starting to feel intolerable, and my therapist thought it would be good for me - even if it ends up not being feasible to take a new job, she thinks that just applying might make me feel less stuck. So we'll see what happens with that.

I had a long talk with Mr. NK this weekend about feeling like I'm in limbo. I didn't realize it, but he feels the same way. He told me that he feels like his whole adult life has just been preparation for being a father, and when I was pregnant, he felt like he'd finally tied up all the loose ends of his old life, to be ready to put it away and start a new one. Now, he's left without that new life that he prepared for, but he's not interested in his old life, either, because he'd thought it was at an end. "I'm not interested in myself anymore," he said. I knew what he meant - I don't like to use the word 'selfish' because it sounds pejorative, but I think we're both done with living for ourselves, if that makes sense. He really summed up the way I'd been feeling, when I was unable to put it into words.