Tuesday, October 04, 2005


So now I guess I'm just waiting. I don't even know what to expect. Will I bleed more? If so, when? I have another beta tomorrow to see if the levels are going down, but right now I feel the same as I did yesterday. No bleeding, no nothing.

I feel so stuck. It occurred to me today that ever since we lost Joseph, everything in my life has hinged on trying again. Even stupid decisions like "Should I buy a new winter coat?" Last year I needed one, but I didn't buy one because I was big and pregnant, so I just wore my parka (which I usually just wear for hiking/outdoor activities). Now I was hesitant to buy one for this year, because I thought I might be big again this winter. Although that decision's been made for me - even if I conceive the next time we try again, that won't be until at least November or December sometime, so I wouldn't be showing anytime this winter. But you see what I mean.

I'm also really bored with my job. I make good money, and actually just got a raise, but I've been here 2.5 years and I could do it with my eyes closed. It doesn't excite me anymore, and there's really nowhere to move up within this office. But I keep thinking, should I look for a new job now when I'm going to be actively TTC again soon? Mr. NK thinks I should stay put, since this office knows what I've been through and would be tolerant of having to be at a lot of appointments, etc. But again, I feel so stuck. If I stayed here for that reason, I could go through something like this again and again and realize that I had no reason to stay. But if I left and then somehow everything worked out, I'd be putting my new employers in a bad spot. How many employers would understand their brand-new employee running off to multiple doctor's appointments, then wanting maternity leave after not being there very long, etc?

I hate not knowing what's going to happen. If I did, I feel like I could plan things better.

I've heard people say that they felt better when they stopped basing everything on whether/when they would be able to have another baby, but I don't know if I can do that. I won't be completely happy until I have a baby in my arms - it's not one of those things I can take or leave. But I don't know if that's a healthy way to feel.

I started going to a therapist last week, and I really like her, so I guess this is something to bring up with her.


At Tuesday, October 04, 2005 3:32:00 PM, Blogger Mrs.X said...

I could have written this. You're seem to be exactly where I was and it's a sucky place to be. Stuck. Unsure. Wanting.
I know some may tell you to stop basing everything on a baby, but I found it impossible. I think trying made me feel worse. I can't tell you what will work. I don't know. I wish I did.
I'm just sorry that you have to be thinking of these things now. I wish I could take it away for you and for T.
I don't know what else to say but I'm here.

At Tuesday, October 04, 2005 5:44:00 PM, Blogger cat said...

Just caught up with you and wanted to say how sad I am to hear that you are in this limbo state. Will be out here wishing you the best and hoping that somehow this might be ok.

Have not been able to get out of the rut either, not sure how anyone does. Therapy helped, hope you find this to be some solace as well.

At Tuesday, October 04, 2005 6:28:00 PM, Blogger Bronwyn said...

This rut seems to be contagious. If you think that a new job would make a real difference in your outlook and make you happier -- what the hell, you only go around once. However, if you think that the stress of a new job might have a negative effect on TTC or your mental state when you get pregnant again, that's something else to consider. It sounds like a great topic for your therapist. (And if you come up with any great insights, please share, lol!)

I'm so sorry that it seems like this pg. didn't stick. It shouldn't be like this. I'll be thinking of you.

At Wednesday, October 05, 2005 11:38:00 AM, Blogger lauralu said...

nk, i'm just catching up and so sorry for what's happening. limbo sucks. i hope after the new beta reading you can make some definitive plans.

i understand the job question, although at our house it's the opposite - i think i should stay even though i hate working for this company because they know what's happened and are flexible with me about dr's appts and whatnot, but my husband thinks this is my chance to get out, while i'm not pregnant, so that i can safely be ensconced in my new insurance when we do ttc again (we're both on my insurance now and at least here pg is considered a pre-existing condition, which is so dumb...). it's so hard to know what to do, but if you're feeling the courage to improve your lot, i hope you go for it.

At Wednesday, October 05, 2005 2:36:00 PM, Blogger Lisa P. said...

I just came over here for the first time (from Lorem's blog) and am sorry to hear what's happening with this pregnancy.

Also, I can relate to the feeling stuck; I'm more like Laura though in that I dislike what I'm doing and have for a long time, but didn't want to leave because of the whole "I'll be pregnant eventually and why start something new" line of reasoning. Best of luck figuring it out - I'm right there with you.


Post a Comment

<< Home