I really hate to call anyone out like this, but has anyone heard from GabesMama? When I try to access her blog I get an error message. GabesMama, if you're out there, I hope you and the baby are doing OK!

20 days

I've been horrible about writing, I know. I've just come off two of the most hectic weeks of my entire career, and that's mostly why. A big project I'm in charge of needed to be done so it could bill by the end of the fiscal year, and it got held up by a lot of things beyond my control. I finally did finish it on time, but not in time to prevent the two weeks from hell (which included a day where I raced into Demanding Scary Boss' office with a giant stack of proofs that prevented me from seeing my feet, stepped on her umbrella, and broke it).

Everything continues to go well with the Pad. I've had three or four nonstress tests so far - although she's passed all of them, it seemed like something was always going wrong. The first two times she moved so much that it took the nurses ten minutes each time to even get the heartbeat monitor on me. The third time, she barely moved at all at first and had to be awakened with a little buzzy wand kept for that purpose. Nonstress, my ass. (We did get through the most recent one with no problems.)

I'm up to weekly visits and weekly NSTs now. I was a little taken aback earlier this week when I was making my next appointment with the receptionist and she asked me why I needed so many NSTs. She didn't ask in a snotty way, but WTF? a) It's none of her business, b) There are at least two high-risk doctors in this practice; I'm certain I'm not the only one getting multiple NSTs. I answered without even thinking, very matter of factly, "I had a baby last year who died." I think that embarrassed her; she mumbled that she was sorry. I wasn't hugely offended by the whole thing, but really, what kind of question is that? I bet she learned not to ask anymore, though.

The Pad is healthy, but I don't feel so hot - I'm way bigger than last time and it's starting to wear me out. I'm much more tired and sore than I was with Joseph. I had planned to work right up until the end - I'd made my last day July 11, giving me one day off before the section - but yesterday I decided to change it and make Friday the 7th my last day, giving me 5 days free beforehand. I am going to need to catch up on sleep before she's born and I REALLY learn what sleep deprivation is. I need to run it by my boss, but I think she'll be OK with it - it's only 2 days' difference.

Hm, what else is new? Well, this may sound funny after all the ranting and crying I did when my niece was born, but I've fallen completely in love with her. We went to Long Island last weekend for Fathers' Day, and my SIL let me take her for long stretches (I think she was happy for the break). So I got to feed her, change her, and play with her for ages. I think it was good therapy.

Optimistic? Stupid? You be the judge

I did something this weekend that I swore I would never do again. I set up the Pad's nursery.

True, we'd left the furniture in there from before, and I'd bought those Alice in Wonderland pictures to hang up. But for a year now, the crib's been in pieces, the bedding's been packed away in a plastic tub, the walls have been bare, and the bouncy seat and swing have been gathering dust.

I don't know what came over me. In fact, yesterday morning I actually cried for Joseph for the first time in a long time - because I saw some pictures I'd taken last spring of the newly completed nursery. Coming home to that empty room so lovingly and hopefully set up was one of the hardest things about the whole ordeal. So why would I do that to myself again?

I still don't know. Part of it is that I realized that the closer I get to the Pad's birth date, the more I seem to detach the pregnancy from the idea of an actual baby. The more preoccupied I got with the physical discomforts of late pregnancy, the less I thought about the baby herself. I'm sure it's a self-preservation mechanism, but somehow it didn't seem right. Part of me feels that this baby deserves as much anticipation as her brother had. So the next thing I knew, I was in the nursery, dragging things out of tubs and hanging up pictures. And Andy, who had originally wanted to wait to set up the crib until the Pad came home, even got into it - maybe for the same reason. He even offered to put the crib together without my saying anything.

Once I got started, I couldn't stop. So today the nursery has a crib, with clean bedding, and pictures on the walls. I threw the gray-with-dust pads from the bouncy seat and swing into the wash and then put them together again, with fresh batteries. I washed a load of newborn onesies and folded them into the dresser drawers. I organized all the baby odds and ends I'd just tossed into the drawers or the back of the closet.

I just have to keep telling myself that doing all this won't CAUSE anything bad to happen. It feels good to walk by and see the room looking so cheerful and ready for a baby - it's really the nicest room in the house - but it also scares me. A lot.

Thank you

First of all, thank you so much to everyone who left comments about Joseph's birthday and Andy's blog entry. I am so lucky to have my husband...and to have the support of friends like all of you.

Last weekend turned out to be really not so bad. We just tried to be good to ourselves; the weekend included more social activity than we've had in a good while (dinner with friends on Saturday night; a trip up to New Hampshire, just to drive around pretty places and ooh and ah, on Sunday; lunch with girlfriends on Monday) and that was good. Also, we had some pretty big news to occupy us and make us think ahead to the future instead of the past.

The Wednesday before Joseph's birthday, Andy called me from work all excited. It seems his company is expanding their operations in Reston, VA, just outside DC (they currently have a sales office there, but they're opening an engineering office now too) and wanted to talk to anyone interested in relocating. As I've mentioned here before, we've been talking about someday moving to that area for years; it's the one place in the country that's exactly halfway between my family and his. Living there, we'd be the same distance from my family as we are now, but the 13-hours-each-way trek to his parents' would become more like 5-6 hours each way. Not to mention, Andy's favorite aunt and uncle live near DC, as does one of my stepbrothers and several of our friends.

He spent the next three days discussing the new office plans with various people at the company, as well as with me, and on Friday he verbally agreed that we'd like to do it. So it looks like we're moving! They will help with relocation expenses, and the new position would be a great one for him - possibly more money and responsibility, but also an interesting new project and more room for advancement. I'll have to find a new job, but there seem to be a lot of opportunities in my field down there.

We don't know the exact timeline, but they're talking about late summer/early fall, which, GAH. But they know we're having the baby, so they're willing to be flexible - and anyway, it might work out better for me to just resign when I go on leave and then find a new job once we get down there. That could even give me a little extra time with the Pad after she's born, and we've got enough put away to cover it. We'll also have to sell our house - I think once we get down there, we'll rent until we know where I'll be working and what my salary will be. So the next few months are going to be VERY busy, but we've got plenty of offers to help from parents (Andy's parents, understandably, are thrilled).

I think it will be good for us to have a whole new start. And I'm looking forward to the Pad knowing both sets of grandparents, instead of thinking of Andy's parents as strangers she gets to see once or twice a year after a grueling car trip.

So that's been the excitement around here this week. In other news, the Pad continues to squirm and kick - I had my first NST last week and got more comments on how much she moves. I've heard that at every ultrasound and other test I've had - it's starting to make me wonder if this kid will ever sit still once she becomes external!

40 more days. 24 more work days. It is starting to drag. I can't wait to meet her.