Well, how about that

I was all set to write one post this morning, and then things changed. For the better, so that's good.

But here's what had originally happened. It's a long story, but I realized last night that of all the women close to my age that I know who have had babies in the last year or two (and that's a pretty big number), all but two of them left their jobs to stay home. In some cases, they were fairly high-powered jobs: one was chief of staff for a congresswoman, one was a successful accountant, one has a Ph.D., and so on. It never really occurred to me before that so few people I know, and no one I'm close to, has gone back.

This came to a head last night when I was at a fairly new friend's place with another woman I don't know that well. It was hard to begin with because they both had their baby sons with them - one is 19 months old and one is 8 months - and so the conversation was starting to be All Baby All the Time. Then it turned to work, and they both started talking about how great it was that they've stayed home, how well-adjusted and perfect their sons are because of it, how non-well-adjusted their sons would surely be if they were working, and so on. I think at some point one of them realized that I hadn't said a word, because then they started falling all over themselves to point out that some babies, and some mothers, do just fine with working/daycare. I still didn't say anything, so the conversation just died. But it bothered me all night.

I have absolutely no problem with anyone choosing to stay home - I think it's great. I'd be lying if I said I never thought about it. And financially, we probably COULD do it, but it would be a bit of a stretch. But there's so much I worry about - what if something happened to Andy, or to his job? What if I took some time off and then could never get hired again? What if I got bored? What if I wasn't patient enough to be home with a baby? So for me, it makes sense right now to plan to go back. My job has tons of sick/vacation time; they're probably going to let me work a day from home each week; we have a wonderful daycare lined up; I never work more than 9-5. It just doesn't seem like it will be that bad.

Anyway, I was sad today because I was just wishing I had enough confidence in my own decisions not to feel inferior in conversations like last night's. I also wish I had more friends in situations like mine so I wouldn't always feel like I had to defend myself.

Then my manager called me into her office. And...my promotion finally came through! And it comes with a 30% raise, retroactive to January 1. I guess I'm doing something right, career-wise - and if it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?

I hope this doesn't sound like I'm putting money ahead of my daughter. Obviously this is a decision I can't really make right now - I have no idea how I'll feel when she's actually in my arms. Maybe I'll completely change my mind. But to me, when I think of being the best mother I can be to her, that includes making sure her future is secure, and if I can better do that by working, then so be it.