Monday, March 20, 2006

I survived

Well, the dreaded hospital visit is over with. We drove down to my aunt and uncle's on Friday night, slept late on Saturday, and then headed over to the hospital with my aunt and my 16-year-old cousin. It helped that there were a ton of people there - at various points including the two of us, my aunt and cousin; my mother and stepfather; my father and his wife; my stepbrother, his wife and their two daughters; and a college friend of my brother's who looked a little shocked to find the room so full. I think that helped - it would have been really awkward if it had been just us.

The baby was wide awake when we got there - I don't know if I've ever seen a baby so alert and yet so quiet at the same time. She's cute, with black hair and pink cheeks. It was kind of sweet to see my brother hovering over her and changing her diaper, handing her around to be held, taking her picture. He was doing it all because SIL was still in pain and couldn't really get up. They seemed exhausted and very young, but happy.

I had gone in not sure if I would be able to hold her - I haven't held a newborn since before Joseph was born. I couldn't even hold Joseph. But when my mother handed her to me I took her...tears started to well up and I was afraid I would cry in front of the whole room, but I managed not to and I don't think anyone noticed.

We stayed for a few hours and then left for the drive back up to Boston. It was a weight off my mind, so I guess in that sense going made me feel better. The strange thing is that I was sitting there holding this newborn baby girl and yet I still couldn't picture myself holding my own new baby girl. Even being pregnant, even feeling her move at the same time I held her cousin, didn't give me that feeling of "that's going to be me soon." Why not??

Here I am with Emma:


At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 7:46:00 AM, Blogger the ockers said...

so glad you survived. you're a strong woman. walk tall with your head high. the pic is beautiful.

At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 8:55:00 AM, Blogger Josefina said...

Congratulations! I told you, you're very brave and having held Emma was really noble of you.
I think from now on, things are going to be better and better.
And don't worry, I'm sure no one really pictures themselves with her baby until she's actually there.
Good luck!

At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 9:32:00 AM, Blogger Catherine said...

Why not? Self-preservation, my friend. And that's ok if you ask me (which you didn't, so I'll shut up now).

At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 12:54:00 PM, Blogger Treggles said...

You did a good thing holding Emma (even if she was rather thrust upon you!). We're all proud of you.

Glad the visit wasn't unbearable.

At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 2:20:00 PM, Blogger cat said...

Agreed, what Catherine said... self preservation. I feel it to or rather don't feel it, can't see it even while holding an infant. Even so close. It's just too difficult to make it real somehow.

You did a very good thing and so happy you found it was not as horrid as expected.

At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 3:05:00 PM, Blogger sillyhummingbird said...

I am glad you remain relatively unscathed after the visit. I agree with the self-preservation comments--I still get nervous thinking about being in your situation in May--don't know how I'll handle the hospital visit. You've shown how strong you are.

At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 7:23:00 PM, Blogger lauralu said...

you did good.

At Wednesday, March 22, 2006 12:29:00 PM, Blogger gabesmama said...

You are so brave. You did such a great job. I'm all teary reading your blog. I don't know if I will have the courage when I see my best friends baby in a month. Thanks for sharing the pic.

At Wednesday, March 22, 2006 3:02:00 PM, Blogger Mrs.X said...

You do what you must for survival. As said before, self-preservation. There's nothing wrong with that.

At Wednesday, March 22, 2006 6:38:00 PM, Blogger Kate said...

You are so brave.

You look beautiful, holding Emma.

You did it!

At Friday, March 24, 2006 8:39:00 AM, Blogger Jill said...

You are a brave lady and it's ok not to be able to picture yourself with your own baby yet. You know, what Catherine said;)

At Tuesday, March 28, 2006 12:42:00 PM, Blogger Julian's Mom said...

I think you're amazing to have been able to hold that little girl, or any other baby for that matter. Regardless of how strong anyone might think I am, I am pretty sure I won't be capable of holding another baby that isn't my own until mine comes home safely (fingers still crossed).

Thanks so much for all your support over these last few terrifying weeks, it's meant the world to me.

Oh, by the way, you are not the only one in full panel pants already! Yikes!


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