Musings

This is the stage of pregnancy where I start to think of the baby as not just a possibility inside me, but a person. And since that's happening, it's made me think about lots of things in a new way.

I'm thrilled that the Pad is going to be a girl. Of course, I'd have been happy either way. But this is such a strange feeling of deja vu, as well. As I start to get to know her as a person -- as I start to know what her little kicks and pokes feel like, as I learn when during the day I'm most likely to feel her moving, as I start to imagine what she'll look like -- I remember this same getting-to-know-you period with Joseph. And I feel sad, thinking that I only got to know him for such a short time, on the inside.

I'm afraid to be happy, and I'm afraid not to be.

A few days after the ultrasound I went into the room we'd decorated as a nursery. (I started to say "Joseph's nursery." And that's just what I'm about to say here anyway - is it ever not going to be Joseph's nursery for me?) Not being a pink-ruffles or blue-with-trucks person anyway, I insisted on doing the nursery in as gender-neutral a manner as possible. The room has pale yellow walls, white and pine furniture, and bedding in bright primary colors - a patchwork quilt and bumper in reds, yellows, light and dark blues, and a bit of light green. I used pale blue as a major accent color - curtains, etc. Overall I love how it came out - it's bright and cheery and it doesn't scream "boy!" or "girl!"

I always envisioned being able to use the room for any siblings Joseph would have. But of course, things are a little different now. I looked around the room, and the idea of keeping everything the same somehow seemed...unfair. Like I'd be trying to squeeze this little girl into a spot prepared for Joseph, as though I'd just be expecting her to magically take his place.

I don't feel that way about the baby gifts we got at my shower - the activity gyms and car seats and strollers. Most of that is still in boxes - it has no significance that's specifically about Joseph. But somehow, the room does.

I don't want to redo everything - it's never even been used. But I feel like I need something to make this a space of her own, something just for her, something she won't have to share with the ghost of her brother. How can I do that? I thought about putting away the Curious George pictures I had framed on the walls - I don't think of them as boy-specific, since I loved Curious George myself. But I did find these, and I love them, especially since Alice is one of the names we're considering.

Part of me feels shallow, like maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to do foofy baby things. But even that - maybe I am, in a way. Maybe I think this baby deserves some anticipatory foofiness. There's nothing we need to do to get ready for this baby, since we did it all with Joseph. And before we were pregnant, we swore we wouldn't do anything that implied we expected to take a baby home. But now that doesn't feel realistic - I don't think I'm capable of that level of detachment anymore - and in a way it also doesn't feel fair. I know she won't know or care what I did/felt while I was pregnant with her, but I would know. I want to be able to look at her and know that she was joyfully anticipated.

I don't think I'm making much sense. I'll bet it isn't obvious that I write for a living, is it?

One thing we HAVE been able to do that has given me some of that sense of anticipation is talk about names. Neither of us wants to pick the One True Name ahead of time, since a) personally I find it creepy to talk about a baby by his/her name while still in utero and b) we want to see what she looks like. We'd rather have a short list and go in with that. So, after many hours of discussion and a few arguments (can I just say my husband is impossible when it comes to this?) we have our short list:

* Alice, with either Margaret, Virginia, or Eleanor for a middle name. (Margaret = my mom's name and his mom's middle name; Virginia = his maternal grandmother)
* Iris as a first name, with the same choice of three middle names
* Susannah Gayle (for my maternal and his paternal grandmother)

(Morbid thought I just had - every time I try to type "Alice" it comes out as "Alive.")