Another appointment

I realized today as I was waiting in the OB's office that I wasn't nervous. I've been a wreck before all my appointments so far, because they all involved firsts - the first ultrasound, the first time they tried the Doppler, etc - and each time, I was so afraid that what they were looking for wouldn't be there. This time, I didn't even think about it.

I heard the heartbeat again...what a great sound. I also got the results of the Early Risk Assessment - odds are 1/1205 for Down Syndrome, which they said was the same risk a 20-year-old woman has; odds are less than 1/10,000 for Trisomies 13 and 18. So, good news.

I love my doctor and especially her nurse. I was leaving the exam room when they located the genetic counselor who had my results, so the doctor and nurse were standing just outside, with the door open, while I got the results. When they were good, the nurse, who is short and perky and upbeat, practically jumped up and down with joy. She's cute.

My big ultrasound is 4 weeks from today - Valentine's Day. I'll only be 17.5 weeks, but the doctor thinks that's not too early. I'm so excited to find out the Pad's gender!

In other news, I decided not to go to SIL's baby shower. I thought a lot about it, and talked to my therapist, and talked to Andy, and finally came to the conclusion.

- I don't really believe in baby showers before the baby anymore. I don't think it's bad to want one or have one - I loved my shower and it was great to have everything we needed (even though in our case we didn't end up needing it, we will finally have a use for it this summer). But my friends who are Jewish have told me that it's a tradition with them to have showers after the baby, and I can totally understand now.

- I'm afraid I'll be too sad. Especially since the very next day, we're going to a ceremony at the hospital - they are unveiling a memorial that Joseph is going to be a part of. So many people donated to the hospital in Joseph's name that he's getting a little leaf on their memorial tree. I knew it was the same weekend as the shower, but until Andy pointed it out, I never thought about how hard it might be to go to a baby shower one day and a memorial for my dead son the next.

- What can I say - I'm still bitter. It's going to take me a long, long time to get over the fact that they started trying two weeks after Joseph's death. I wouldn't have expected them to put their lives on hold for me, but two weeks? They couldn't wait a month or two? Especially when they're 26 and hadn't even been married a year? The clock was not exactly ticking.

I'm sending a gift. I'm not interested in cutting ties to my brother or anything like that. It's just more that it's going to be a while before I trust them, or before our relationship can ever be as close as it once was. I thought being pregnant myself would help. Instead, the more time that goes by, the worse I feel about the whole thing.