Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Random things

So here I am waiting to see if I'm pregnant or not. I usually don't have a feeling about these things one way or the other; I try not to, anyway, so that I don't get my hopes up. I had a temp drop today that could be bad, could be nothing. It's way too early for my period to start, so I hope it's nothing.

My chart shows that I had ovulated on Friday, and we timed things well. Early on Saturday morning, just after Andy got up, he said he'd had a strong premonition - not really a dream, more of a waking dream. He said that it was almost like he'd heard a voice in his ear, telling him that we would have a son and that his name would be Elliot (which was a name we had seriously considered when I was pregnant with Joseph).

My in-laws were here this weekend, and that Saturday night as we were all sitting around the kitchen table, Andy went to get a glass of wine and offered me one. Then he remembered and said, "Oh, never mind," and grinned. When my mother-in-law raised her eyebrow at me, I said, "No, I'm not pregnant, I'm just waiting to find out if I am." Without missing a beat, she smiled and said, "I think you are. In fact, I was going to ask you earlier today if you were, because I had a feeling about it."

My MIL never says things like this. She's a very quiet woman and if she doesn't feel that she can say anything important, she doesn't say anything at all (sometimes I wish my own mother was more like this).

I probably sound like a loon, because I don't believe in things like this (although I had a weird series of feelings/hunches that came true this summer, too). It was just surprising in light of Andy's hunch. Maybe looniness just runs in his family. As I said, I myself am not particularly hopeful for this cycle, so I won't be crushed if my period comes.

I had an interesting discussion with my mother last night. I was asking about my SIL's pregnancy, and my mother said, "I feel bad about this, but I can't seem to work up that much excitement for them." I asked her if it was because my experience has shown that, until you have a live baby in your arms, there's not a whole lot to be excited about (depressing, but true). She said that it wasn't that so much, but more the fact that she kept thinking about how sucky their timing was. "I just can't keep myself from feeling that it was kind of selfish of them," she said.

When I first found out about SIL's pregnancy and realized when she was due, my first thought was that they had practically run right out from my hospital room and gotten knocked up. When I expressed that sentiment to my mother at the time, she said that she'd had the impression that they'd been trying for a little while, and had just happened to conceive soon after my loss. However, I found out recently that that wasn't the case - my brother told me that they got pregnant on their first try. Which means that their first try WAS only a few weeks after Joseph's death.

When he told me this, I was pregnant myself, so it didn't bother me as much as it might have. Now I've lost that pregnancy and the more I think about it, the more I find myself reverting to the hurt I felt when I first found out. They're 26 years old - they'd been married less than 9 months when they got pregnant. I don't expect the whole world to plan their lives around my loss, but would it have killed them to wait a few months?

My mother told me that she has all the same thoughts. Not only that, but she says whenever she shares my brother and SIL's news with anyone, their first reaction is not excitement, but, ", that's bad timing, huh? How does NervousKitty feel about that?"

The small, mean part of me has a moment of guilty pleasure thinking about that. If they had to run right out and get knocked up, at least they don't get to have everyone gushing over them.


At Wednesday, November 02, 2005 3:01:00 PM, Blogger Mrs.X said...

Don't feel too guilty. I'm secretly pleased that they're all saying the same things too. It seems fairly callous of them.
And I don't think hunches are loony. But then maybe I'm just loony. :)

At Wednesday, November 02, 2005 3:42:00 PM, Blogger Sarah said...

Wow- even your mom feels the timing is not the greatest… somehow that seems to say a lot.

I’ve found myself feeling somewhat happy (and guilty for the feeling) that some of my friends aren’t super excited about our other friend’s baby (one who found out she was pregnant within a week of Kate’s death). What happened to us, the timing, and the type of relationship they expect to have with the baby/child all play a role in why they aren’t as excited this go-around, but it does make me feel slightly better.

And i agree hunches aren't crazy, they may not be right, but they aren't loony! :)

At Wednesday, November 02, 2005 3:48:00 PM, Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

So, uh, when do you test?

At Wednesday, November 02, 2005 4:34:00 PM, Blogger Bronwyn said...

A bunch of hunches sounds like a good sign, lol! I completely understand about your ambivalence about your SIL's pregnancy. My newly married brother mentioned that his wife wanted to TTC ASAP and I almost blurted out that she better not get pregnant before I do! But, I bit my tongue... Anyway, we're waiting together -- I'm at 9 dpo (I think, anyway) right now. I'll be thinking positive thoughts for both of us!

At Wednesday, November 02, 2005 10:19:00 PM, Blogger lauralu said...

there is something to be said for survivor sex - when you go through something involving death, you sometimes get the urge to, ahem, affirm life. it's possible they were just trying for some comfort. unlikely, but not impossible. just to give you some hope in humankind.

At Saturday, November 05, 2005 10:05:00 AM, Blogger gabesmama said...

It is hard to understand what people were thinking when they tried to conceive days after they were at our funeral. Maybe we can look at it this way (and this is a big maybe): maybe our love for our chilren was inspiring and maybe they wanted something inspiring in their lives. Farfetched--I know.

At Wednesday, November 09, 2005 8:32:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It seems like you would be happy if SIL lost the baby? Would it make you feel better. I never understand this way of thinking.

Best of luck.


Post a Comment

<< Home