Monday, August 29, 2005

Pardon me while I ramble

We have a dilemma. We've talked it to death and we can't come to a decision. So I'm writing it down in the hope that that will somehow make the answer clearer to me (or maybe that someone in blogland will take pity and give me some advice.)

Right now, we live in Boston. We decided not long after J. died that what we really wanted was to move to Long Island, where I grew up. My mom and stepfather, my dad and stepmother, and one of my stepbrothers live there; my brother and his wife are relatively close by in southern Connecticut, and it would make the trip to visit Mr. NK's family an 8-hour drive instead of a 16-hour one. We talked over all of the reasons to do it and we couldn't really think of any reasons NOT to go. Somehow, after losing J., being near family seems like the most important thing in the world.

What we're having trouble with is deciding WHEN to go. We've already started making the necessary upgrades/improvements to our townhouse in order to sell it. We could start the whole process now, or we could wait until whenever we're lucky enough to have another baby.

Scenario #1: We would go through TTC and a pregnancy here. I'd leave my job when I would have anyway, we'd move during what would have been my maternity leave, and while Mr. NK would have secured a job prior to the move, I would wait to start looking until a few months after we arrived there, thus giving me more time with the hypothetical future baby. My father kept his house from before he married his wife - they hardly ever use it, and he's offered to let us stay there temporarily so that we don't have to simultaneously buy one house and sell another, so that makes things somewhat easier. But the issue I keep running into this this idea is that if we did it, we'd be dealing with a new baby, an inter-state move, new jobs, and a new house all at roughly the same time. That just seems like incredible folly to me.

Scenario #2: We start the moving/job hunting process now and move ASAP. Meanwhile, we stick to our plan of trying to conceive, starting this cycle. The idea of moving first appeals to me because we know we want to, so why not just do it? Also, because that way we'd be settled before a hypothetical baby arrived. However - if getting pregnant happens quickly (we conceived J. on the first try - and while I don't think that will necessarily happen again, it's always possible), I'd be faced with either looking for a new job while pregnant, or getting pregnant very soon after starting a new job. That would mean I wouldn't get FMLA leave - so I wouldn't even get the 12 weeks I would get if we stayed here (which seemed too short to me already!). And if I was already pregnant, would I have a hard time getting hired?

Scenario #3: We start the moving process now, but hold off on TTC. Once we get down there and start new jobs/start the house hunting process, we'll wait the three months so that just in case we got pregnant quickly, I'd be FMLA-eligible by the time the hypothetical baby came. It seems like logically, this option makes the most sense. But for both of us, the thought of having to put off TTC for a pretty long time - say it takes us 3 months to find jobs and move, and then 3 more months to wait for FMLA - just seems awful. We've waited for our baby for so long already.

The thing is, the whole plan right now hinges on when/whether we have a baby. And it sucks, because that's something we can't control. We could take the nice safe Option #3 and then it could take us a year or two to get pregnant and we'd be kicking ourselves that we waited. We could think we're taking a huge risk and take Option #2 and have everything work out beautifully with the timing. There's no way to know.

I know we're going to run the risk of giving SOMETHING up - whether it's starting to try right away, or a longer maternity leave, or a lower-stress move - no matter which option we choose. I just don't know which thing we should give up. All I know is that I want to live there, and I want a baby.


At Monday, August 29, 2005 9:52:00 AM, Blogger Sarah said...

Thanks for finding me!

And I think I’d vote for option 2… Option 3 sounds too hard. And option 1 sounds good, but very tiring. But I’m lazy by nature so maybe it wouldn’t be too bad for you. And worse case scenario with option 2 is you’d be out some time off… Which would totally suck, but would not be the end of the world. Waiting for another six months to ttc would be really difficult for me. After my experience worrying about moves (we moved when I was 38 weeks preggers) and timing maternity leave and planning so much for the future, only to have the carpet pulled out from under me, makes me say screw planning. In the past I would have said … I don’t want a late December baby… now I just say I want a baby and everything else will work itself out.


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