Thursday, August 11, 2005

I'm not really strong.

I keep hearing over and over how strong I am. I'll tell new people my story and they say I sound so calm and so strong. Or I'll be talking to my parents and they'll praise me for being so strong.

I don't think I am, really. Sure, I'm not curled in the fetal position on my bed crying every day (though I've had my share of days like that). I'm not refusing to leave the house. I'm working and seeing friends and functioning.

But inside? No, inside I am not strong.

Inside I am having horrible thoughts like that I don't want my brother and sister-in-law to concieve before we do - I don't even think they're trying, but I couldn't stand it if they had a baby before I did because I was supposed to have the first grandchild, dammit.

Inside I am seething about my stupid body and its stupid failure to ovulate and the stupid tease it put me through last week, and counting the days until I can call the doctor and beg for Provera (only 7 left!).

Inside I am getting pissed off when my mother tells me that her husband's sister-in-law was talking to a friend of hers who knows a pediatric nurse, and she said that what happened to J. is unlikely to happen again. I hate the idea of random strangers talking about me and my freakish situation.

Inside I want to cry when I hear that a pregnant acquaintance is uncomfortable around me because she doesn't want to upset me with her pregnant-ness. This is what I have become, that girl that makes everyone uncomfortable. That girl whose story scares pregnant women. That girl people feel sorry for.

If there's any strength in me, it's only in the fact that I've managed to hide all of this from other people.


At Friday, August 12, 2005 9:07:00 AM, Blogger Catherine said...

I'm glad you decided to continue blogging, if for no other reason than it helps me to know I'm not alone in what I feel. I could have written this post. Everyone says how "well" I'm doing when I just feel like collapsing in a complete mess at their feet and crying, "You don't see what I'm really like...what I'm really feeling." It can drive me mad some days.

At Friday, August 12, 2005 9:23:00 AM, Blogger NervousKitty said...

What a coincidence...I think I read your blog yesterday, Catherine. It was after I wrote this, and I saw something that was almost exactly like what I wrote here - was it you who said something about feeling like Typhoid Mary in front of pregnant women? Boy, do I know that feeling.

Hang in there.

At Friday, August 12, 2005 8:58:00 PM, Blogger Julie said...

((((((hugs))))) I dont know your story, just stumbled on to your blog through Ann's I think. Anyway, I wanted to let you know I relate about "being strong". People don't get it. You hear how strong you are got going through the loss of your child, but it's not like you got a CHOICE. No one asked you if this is what you wanted. You have no choice but to get through it and learn to live with it. I sure wouldn't be "strong" by choice.
And I totally know what you mean about terrifying pg women. My son died due to a cord accident right after I went into labor. I was home free supposedly, but yet he died anyway. I am a horrible reminder to what can happen, and pg people don't like to be reminded. (((((((hugs))))))

At Tuesday, September 06, 2005 8:18:00 PM, Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

Thanks for posting on my blog!

I hate being told that I'm 'strong.' I'm sick of being 'strong.' I want results. What good is being 'strong' if you have nothing to show for it? I want to be able to move the furniture, not just have big muscles.


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